Walked up Koko Head Crater today. There is something about walking to the top of a hill, volcano or mountain that I find very therapeutic. Maybe it’s because if I feel like I can’t control anything around me, I can at least accomplish this thing in front of me. I’ve always viewed running or paddling races the same. I didn’t like the hike, it was like one long stairway, crowded and really hot. Everyone looked so miserable. Kind of like when you see people at the gym on one of the cardio machines, looking terribly unhappy and as if they are going to keel over. But the hike was a good workout I suppose and had nice views.It’s amazing how your perspective can change so quickly.
Long story, but I’ve had no thyroid since 2004 and found out from a recent blood test that my levels are too low and may have been for years (or not). The thyroid regulates metabolism, temperature, energy levels, weight, etc. so if it’s not at accurate levels, it can throw everything off. But my dose of synthroid increased and I’m sure things will level out sooner or later and I will be fine. I had been stressing out to a point of panic the past few weeks over school, work and going overseas for the summer. Then I realize that none of that matters when you don’t have your health. In fact, nothing matters. So I took the past few days off, surfed, hiked, hung out with friends. At this moment I don’t even care about my responsibilities. And it’s awesome.
For the most part, I never think about my thyroid (or lack of one) and am pretty good at ignoring it. It feels weird and uncomfortable just writing about it. But I’m tired of not talking about it too. When something like this happens, I have to stop everything and pay attention to me and nothing else. It’s frustrating and liberating at the same time. It’s like I’m being forced to take care of myself – not such a bad thing. So I wonder how I’m going to finish papers, finals, work projects, and prepare for a 1-month consultancy in Mozambique. Truth is, I have no idea. But what I do know, is it will get done somehow and that despite myself it will probably be good enough. Not perfect, not even great, but the best I can do right now.
Yesterday, I was looking at some ultrasound and x-ray films of my thyroid before I had it removed. It made me sad but they are cool to look at. I’m thinking of turning them into some sort of work of art. Seriously. I’ve thought about it for years. And I’m still hoping to have that “2004, Thyroid No More” party with a thyroid-shaped cake. That may lack class, but I think it’s hilarious.