Wanting the year to end, wanting it to go on.

I didn’t even realize the semester was over next week.  I guess I prob haven’t noticed a lot of things lately.  Rightly so.  I feel sad.  But I’m ready for this to be over.  “This” being my year of adjustment.  I don’t feel completely settled by any means, but knowing I survived (almost) a year of grad school is comforting and rewarding.  Perhaps I shouldn’t speak too soon, not done yet!  I can’t say I was a spectacular student but I did my best.  Was my best good enough?  I guess I’ll find out soon.  I really feel like I fumbled through the semester, the entire year really.  I was hit with much more stress than I expected with working, being a full-time student,  family issues and now my health.  It hasn’t been easy.  But I’m still here and still pretty happy.

My first semester was ridiculously fun, but almost as equally difficult.  I didn’t take very good care of myself and was a bit reckless in my behavior but I had a great time.  Leaving the working world was awesome and having all the free time was wonderful. But eventually that wasn’t working  for me and I have learned that it is best for me to have some sort of work to do or I get unmotivated and depressed.  Not having a place to go to study/work and staying at home by myself a lot did not help.  I am happy with my fellow cohorts in the program and I’ve met some great folks.  I was able to connect well with quite a few people.  But spreading my wings and branching out this past semester has been very good for me.

It is sad to see people go with graduation coming up.   Even if some are staying on-island, it isn’t the same.

And leaving DC.  I haven’t thought about that much lately but it still feels weird.  It’s like leaving the house, with that feeling you left something really important behind, but not being sure what it was.  And I also feel like I don’t have time to process or think about it all.  I feel too busy trying to live and adjust to being here.  I wonder if/when that will happen. I guess it always happens whether I want to or not.  I miss everyone terribly but I don’t want to.  I want to leave it all behind but I can’t.  I don’t like feeling sad.  I don’t like dealing with loss.   But that is the cost for having relationships.  Otherwise you are alone.

I am overwhelmed with the weeks ahead of me: finals, papers, work, preparing and then going to Mozambique.  I will just have to grin and bear it, there is nothing else I can do.  Has to get done!  But I feel satisfied with this past year and am excited for next year.


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