Mind numbing cold

Pali lookout on a rainy day

I went to the Pali lookout today, though not on purpose.  I was in the area and somehow ended up there.  As I looked into the horizon it was chilly and raining, but I didn’t care.  I wanted to feel cold. I stood there and shivered as the rain poured down on me and I hoped the rain would come down even harder.  I needed to know I could feel something besides sadness.  And hot; it’s been really hot lately.

I cannot believe these words are my own, but I miss the seasons.  I want to see the leaves dropping around me with brilliant colors; the smell of the leaves decaying as you walk through the park.  I want winter.  A cold and bitter winter that reminds me I am alive.  Seeing life go dormant around me sounds comforting.  I want to lie in the snow and feel my skin burn from the cold.  I want to see my breath fog up around me.

Friends of mine would say fall and winter were wonderful because nature would drift to sleep for a while and then come back alive in the spring.  I always saw it as everything just dies.  There was nothing I found particularly beautiful about it. Fall was the beginning of the end, as I dreaded the dark winters.  But I think I understand it now.   There is a predictable and soothing rhythm to it.  Even the most treacherous of winters will eventually birth forward a beautiful spring.

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