Lately I have acted unlike myself though I am sure that is not unusual under the circumstances. I spent Labor Day weekend on Big Island, mostly diving, snorkeling and meeting up with some friends. Though I couldn’t for the life of me commit to any particular action. Nothing felt quite right. In each instant, I would change my mind and decide that, yes, I should go do this or that instead. Or wait, maybe not. Maybe I should do this other thing.
I started the 2-hour drive toward a friend’s house from Kona, though ended up stopping to snorkel for a while and then later ended up at a black sand beach. As I drove by a Bed & Breakfast I contemplated staying the night there. But wait, I was supposed to stay at my friends house on the other side of the island. So I drove on. When I arrived, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself and decided going to bed was the best option.
The next day, I planned go to a birthday party and camp on the volcano but instead took off in my rental car and drove to the other side of the island without knowing where I was going or where I was staying. It eventually became dark and I figured I needed to sleep somewhere. I ended up camping on the beach by myself in Kohala. Putting a tent up in the dark is not easy. I had never camped by myself and it is not something I’d normally do, but I feel anything but normal.
It is hard to know what will make me feel better in the moment. So I test it out briefly and if it doesn’t, I feel compelled to immediately change directions. I don’t know how else to be right now. I’m giving myself permission to do whatever it is I need to do to get through this. Even if it means wandering around aimlessly.
It’s a good thing I was on an island. Perhaps I would have driven on like this forever.