I haven’t written for a while, mostly because I’m tired of writing about my recent sadness. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of wondering if I should be sad or if it’s okay to laugh and smile. I’d rather not write at all than continue on expressing painful feelings.
When I went on a run today I was thinking about what it would be like to reach out into the world more. I’m used to working hard and have always been proud of my professional and personal accomplishments. They have not come easy. But reaching out, whatever that means, does not come naturally to me. So as an active gesture I decided to say, “good morning” to people I passed. I received a response about 1 out of 5 try’s and I guess that’s okay with me. I’m assuming at least 1/3 did not speak English and the rest thought I was gasping for air.
So it’s been two months since my mother passed. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. No matter how many books have been written about grief (and there are many) or the advice people have, there is no formula that exists. Grief is not linear. What I do know is I’m feeling a little bit bored with myself. I don’t know what is next but I’m feeling ready to move in some direction. Maybe even forward.