Hard to believe it’s Christmas already. I wish it were more merry, but why should I expect that? It’s our first Christmas without my mother. I had high expectations on myself, that I could be cheery and upbeat, helping out with Christmas dinner or sprucing up the house. But when in the house, I can’t seem to do more than lay around, paralyzed and overwhelmed by grief. Reminders of her are everywhere; who she was fills the rooms and hallways.
It would be too severe to say I am where I left off after she died. What has occurred is the reality of her death has slammed me in the face. I feel in shock, stunned by the finality of it all. The emptiness that remains. The house is definitely not the same without her here and there is no way I can hide from the stark reality that she will never be back. I want to run out the door, leaving everything behind and never come back. But I can’t.
It is easier to forget when you are far away.