Merry Christmas?

Hard to believe it’s Christmas already.  I wish it were more merry, but why should I expect that?  It’s our first Christmas without my mother.  I had high expectations on myself, that I could be cheery and upbeat, helping out with Christmas dinner or sprucing up the house.  But when in the house, I can’t seem to do more than lay around, paralyzed and overwhelmed by grief.  Reminders of her are everywhere; who she was fills the rooms and hallways.

It would be too severe to say I am where I left off after she died.  What has occurred is the reality of her death has slammed me in the face.  I feel in shock, stunned by the finality of it all.  The emptiness that remains.  The house is definitely not the same without her here and there is no way I can hide from the stark reality that she will never be back.  I want to run out the door, leaving everything behind and never come back.  But I can’t.

It is easier to forget when you are far away.


3 thoughts on “Merry Christmas?

  1. It was my first Christmas without my mom too, and easier because it was spent with my husband’s family rather than my own. What really amazes me constantly about grief is how utterly unpredictable and uncontrollable it is. I was absolutely okay visiting my mother’s house again, but then broke down the night after leaving when reading emails on her laptop and realising that there will never be any more new emails from her, ever…

  2. oh.

    It was also my first holiday with out my mother. wow. Hope (above) has been a guiding light for me in this grief walk, wail, scream, painfest. I am putting one foot in front of the other.

    sort of.

    ditto what both Laurel and Hope say. The unpredictable thing is a killer AND writing and SHARING has really helped.

    I sometimes check for an email from my dad. He has been dead for 6 years next week. Weird. Grief is just weird.

    Hang in there.

    peace, Jen

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