New Year, still me. Thank goodness.

How do I express that everything has changed, yet nothing at all?  Accepting that life will never be what it was.  With the New Year, I wanted to leave the sadness and grief of my mothers’ death behind, embarking on a new year with new expectations on myself and the future.  But that doesn’t change me.  All the intentions and determination in the world cannot change who I am in the moment.  You cannot command the grieving process or feelings to act in a certain way.  If only it were that easy.

I wanted to push the past behind me, move forward.  And in many ways I have.  I have accepted the past several months were difficult and painful: that some areas in my life were put on hold.

In a world where progress is measured in success and “moving on”, it’s difficult to honor the grieving process as work in itself.  I may not have been as productive in certain areas as I could have been, but I was (and am) working my ass off in other ways: grieving (action word).  If only you could put that on your resume.

In some ways I’m surprised that I went back to school/work so quickly.  If only I could give myself more credit.  But how is staying in school/working even a measure of success?  Wouldn’t honoring my grief and loss and taking time off be just as respected? And why the heck do I even care?  Still learning that caring too much about what others think and perceive of my decisions can hold me back if I let it.  And who are these people whose opinions I care so much about?  The “others” are mostly made up of my own critical inner-self than actual people.   So what I need to do is respect my own process and decisions.  I’m not going to get a gold star on my own death bed for working harder. I made the best decision for myself at the time, but it was an extremely challenging semester.

So today is a new day.  I’m moving forward with some decisions that are best for me at this time, as difficult as they may be.  But even more so, liberating.

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2 thoughts on “New Year, still me. Thank goodness.

  1. Oh I empathise with so much that you write about here! I was also desperate for the new year to be easier, but it certainly has not proven so. Your words about grief being work in itself are so very true, and so hard to articulate or explain to others. The processing of constantly reminding ourselves not to let our perceptions of others judgement hold us back is one I know I will repeat for life! Well done, and I am wishing you all the best x

  2. ‘In a world where progress is measured in success and “moving on”, it’s difficult to honor the grieving process as work in itself. ‘

    THIS is the nut of what I have found to be the hardest thing about grief in our culture. There seems to be some system we are to follow and a time limit. No. ‘honor the process’

    i love that. it is a work in itself and IF we are able to carve out space to place that on the altar of our lives we are transformed by it. We miss out by Getting Through it. we do.

    Hang in. I love this post.

    Peace, Jen

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