It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I moved and I’m dealing with a lot of grief. I would say I’m in the denial stage at the moment, but slowly coming out of it. The fun and excitement of something new has been interweaved with the realities of getting settled, feeling homeless, carless, jobless…and often feeling alone. I’ve done this before and I know it will pass, but what seems most challenging is adjusting to a new reality. My life at the moment does not include daily surf sessions, gorgeous weather every day and a life full with amazing friendships. I am in the middle of a city, feeling slightly trapped and lost. How I spend my days will differ for now. What I value is being outside, nature and friends – I know that awaits me, perhaps just not at the moment. I can and will find that again it may just look different.
I try to tell myself this is part of the transition process and to take it day by day. I am not where I want to be and I’m not sure when I will be but I got to have faith. I came here to find love and career inspiration – when I remember this it brings me comfort and reminds me of why I made such an abrupt move. All this takes courage and strength and a willing to take risks. I trust my desires will be honored and come to fruition.
I know Hawaii waits for me, as I wait for it. The sacrifices I’ve made seem overwhelming right now but I trust this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, without a doubt. I take it day by day, trusting in myself and the process of letting go and being open to new experiences.
Whew! What a whirlwind. It’s been less than a week and so much has happened. I was in LA for less than 24 hours and flew up to San Francisco for an interview in Mountain View. Not a big fan of the burbs, but doesn’t mean I have to live here. I am exhausted but excited for the opportunities ahead. I guess I’ll just stay up here for now and cruise around! I can’t wait to get in the water and surf again. First step: get a wetsuit.
So here I’ve landed, in North Hollywood for the evening where my brother and his wife live. The name is deceiving: one would think it’s exciting but the city is actually in the Valley which is far from interesting. In fact, I haven’t left the apartment all day. So being cooped up in an apartment with no car is not what I was dreaming my first day back in California would be like. But so it is…
My first goal (and I’m trying to break them down into bite-size pieces) is to buy a car. I’m going to focus solely on this otherwise I fear I will continue to overwhelm myself which I’ve already managed to do so this evening.
I don’t like feeling homeless, I suppose no one does. My plans seem to change day by day which is maddening but part of the process of moving. I miss my friends, I miss the warm balmy weather, I miss familiarity. I feel a heaviness in the pit of my stomach and a deep sadness for what I’ve left behind. I wait it out, as I know from experience this is how grief works.
I missed not surfing today as I’d gotten into the routine of going every day. I’m excited to check out the surf breaks in northern California, but it may be a while until I get a wetsuit and new board. My old one should be arriving in a month or so.
I’m sure this is the beginning of what will be a long process of letting go. Though I’m open to the possibility of it being easy and not long. I have to remember I’m resilient, I’ve done this before, and I know how it works here: it’s where I’m from. Whether I like it or not, it is a part of who I am.
What I do know for sure is I had an amazing time in Hawaii and I’ll never forget it. It feels strange to refer to my time in Hawaii in past-tense. I still ponder about how a place so seemingly perfect couldn’t be what I need right now. Though I’m already mentally planning my visit back.