Back in Cali: Day 1

So here I’ve landed, in North Hollywood for the evening where my brother and his wife live.  The name is deceiving: one would think it’s exciting but the city is actually in the Valley which is far from interesting.  In fact, I haven’t left the apartment all day.  So being cooped up in an apartment with no car is not what I was dreaming my first day back in California would be like.  But so it is…

My first goal (and I’m trying to break them down into bite-size pieces) is to buy a car.  I’m going to focus solely on this otherwise I fear I will continue to overwhelm myself which I’ve already managed to do so this evening.

I don’t like feeling homeless, I suppose no one does.  My plans seem to change day by day which is maddening but part of the process of moving.  I miss my friends, I miss the warm balmy weather, I miss familiarity.  I feel a heaviness in the pit of my stomach and a deep sadness for what I’ve left behind.  I wait it out, as I know from experience this is how grief works.

I missed not surfing today as I’d gotten into the routine of going every day.  I’m excited to check out the surf breaks in northern California, but it may be a while until I get a wetsuit and new board.  My old one should be arriving in a month or so.

I’m sure this is the beginning of what will be a long process of letting go.  Though I’m open to the possibility of it being easy and not long.  I have to remember I’m resilient, I’ve done this before, and I know how it works here: it’s where I’m from.  Whether I like it or not, it is a part of who I am.

What I do know for sure is I had an amazing time in Hawaii and I’ll never forget it.  It feels strange to refer to my time in Hawaii in past-tense.   I still ponder about how a place so seemingly perfect couldn’t be what I need right now.  Though I’m already mentally planning my visit back.