Transitions.

So I did it: I picked up my life and moved to the Bay Area, got a new job within 2 months, bought a car, and am on my way to finding an apartment.  Why don’t I feel as great as I thought I would?  I didn’t expect it to be this hard, but I suppose if I knew, I would have never made such a drastic change.  My memory is lost on whether I had such a hard time adjusting to Hawaii – I’m trying to find a frame of reference for how I’m feeling.  DC…definitely even worse since I knew almost no one and it was COLD.

I miss Hawaii horribly: often, when I close my eyes, I see the gorgeous blue water, clean waves, sunshine and see me laughing with my people.  My people.  It’s something I don’t quite have yet here and can’t expect to yet.  I have childhood and college friends here, along with other Hawaii transplants, but they don’t feel like “my people”.  I question if I ever will have the friendships I did in Hawaii.  I recognize the luxury of time, access to recreation and the culture of Ohana (family/friends) coming before work, is not the norm here on the mainland – or at least for the East Bay. I knew this moving here.  I knew all of this was true. Yet the sadness of letting go is no less of a shock to my core.

What I may find is a good group of friends and colleagues who are close but our time together is penciled into our planners (more like iPhones).  We will go to dinner or a bar instead of hanging out at the beach.  I do know I can find friends who surf and enjoy a similar lifestyle that I’m used to.  This I do believe, despite feeling discouraged and cynical right now.  Though instead of this being the norm it will be an exception to the rule.  But I’ve never been one to follow the societal rules to begin with.

What I do hold on to is the understanding that my experience in Hawaii and the memories I created are still mine to keep.  They have not gone away but live within me and always will.  I can carry those memories and experiences with me every day and let them shape who I am today and forever.

I question why I’m here almost every day, sometimes several times a day.  Is the lifestyle change, traffic, fast-paced life and high cost of living worth it?  I can’t answer this question yet, though I wish I could.  I want to say, “yes”, but I fear my answer will be “no”.  I strongly feel I am meant to be here – I feel it in my soul – but for how long, I am not sure.  So I need to take each day, each moment, as it comes and remember this to shall pass, I’ll find a home wherever I go (and within myself) and the answer to my question will eventually reveal itself.

 

 

Community

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about community. What does that mean to me? How do I find it here in Hawaii? Graduating from grad school left behind a sense of emptiness in its wake. I received an advanced degree, but I lost a community. I recognize several people are still in Hawaii and I consider them close friends (though my closest friends have left) but what brought us together is no longer there. And it’s not like I want to go back; I don’t. But I have yet to see what will fill that space. It’s been over a year since I graduated but I still feel empty at times.  

In an effort to meet more people, I tried paddling. Paddling in Hawaii is fascinating. It can be fiercely competitive and your team is your tribe. At the regatta’s, each team fly’s a flag with their team name and huddles together under their pop-up tents. Matching team shirts, shorts, hats, stickers, towels…you name it. I tried the top women’s team, then ended up with a significantly less competitive, and slightly disorganized team. It was a good fit. Interestingly, it the season came to a halt due to internal politics (or paddle-tics) and I’m ready to move on.

What I’ve been sitting on for actually years now is a spiritual community.  Over the past few months, I’ve been attending a service at the Unitarian church on and off.  And it feels like home.  It’s not so much the message or sermon, but the desire for community as a congregation.  At one service during the opening words, a man mentioned something along the lines of, “We are here for the same purpose: a people hungry for community”.  And that stuck with me.  Where in our daily lives do people speak like this?  I am not sure where this path will lead me but I’m thankful it exists.  I am willing to begin the journey for now.  I sometimes grieve the person of faith I used to be years ago; I’m hoping now I can at least believe in community.