I started this blog exactly five years ago, five months after I moved to Hawaii from Washington, DC. Strange how I felt the need to write something here after 1.5 years of nothing. Though maybe it’s not that strange considering I’ve recently decided to move back to the mainland in March and one of the drivers behind starting this blog was my move here. I suppose you can say it’s been a long time coming, but to many it has been a bit of a surprise. I still haven’t completely come out of the closet about it, as it increases my anxiety levels and can send me spinning. What I don’t want to hear is: why are you leaving? why would you leave? do you have a job? don’t leave! (and so on). I have no idea how to answer these questions and when I do I feel at a loss for words. Conflicted captures how I feel quite well.
Yet, the excitement of starting over somewhere new (yet familiar) has taken ahold of me. After 15 years away from California, I’m ready to go back to the place I consider home. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to get to know my family as an adult and to be close to friends I’ve been apart from for years.
Hawaii has been exactly what I needed these past 5.5 years and most definitely what I needed after 10 years in DC. I can truly say it’s been nothing short of amazing. I’ve experienced much loss and heartache, but being surrounded by such beauty and amazing people has transformed me into what I like to think is a better person. Of course I could have had similar transformations elsewhere, but Hawaii does have a magical way about it.
Sadness comes over me as I think of leaving all this behind, but it’s time. And there’s no saying I won’t be back, there’s always that possibility, though my entire being knows it’s time to go. I wonder if I’ve always known this as I’ve never truly let myself settle in here and I’ve lived my life as if I’m passing through. On many levels I wish I could have made it work for me, but I realize I want something different, at least for now.
Oh Hawaii, you will always have a place in my heart. When I close my eyes I’ll see the crystal blue water, sunshine reflecting off the surf and green mountains in the distance. I’ll imagine myself on a beautiful sunny day, paddling for a wave, popping up and gliding down the face, hearing the powerful rush of the wave breaking behind me. I’ll see my friends sitting on their boards next to me as we wait for a set to come in, laughing and smiling. I’ll never forget you Hawaii and all the joy and laughter you’ve brought into my life. Mahalo!